Funny Quotes

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.-Mark Twain


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.-Emo Philips


A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.-Woody Allen


A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.-Ronald Knox


A hard man is good to find.-Mae West


A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.-Mae West


A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.-Zsa Zsa Gabor


A man in the house is worth two in the street.-Mae West


A man's only as old as the woman he feels.-Groucho Marx


A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.-Sam Goldwyn


A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.-W.C. Fields


A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.-Rudyard Kipling


Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.-David Brent


Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.-George Burns


Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.-Homer Simpson


Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.-Homer Simpson


All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.-George Orwell


All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.-Alexander Woollcott


All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.-Oscar Wilde


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.-Mark Twain


Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.-Winston Churchill


Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.-Mark Twain


Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.-Oscar Wilde

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.-Mae West

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.-Woody Allen


Another such victory, and we are undone.-Pyrrhus


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx


Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.-Mae West


As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.-Woody Allen


Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.-Oliver Goldsmith


Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.-David Brent


Bart, stop pestering Satan!-Marge Simpson


Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things!-Homer Simpson


Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.-Woody Allen


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-Mark Twain


Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.-Benjamin Franklin


Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.-Mae West


Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.-Desmond Morris


But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.-George Bernard Shaw


By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-Socrates


People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing. - Dale Carnegie


Flying may not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the price. - Amelia Earhart


Marriage is a lot like life, only with more fun parts, The only secret is showing up every day with an open heart. - Jon Carroll


We're the bridge across forever, arching above the sea, adventuring for our pleasure, living mysteries for the fun of it, choosing disasters triumphs challenges impossible odds, testing ourselves over and again, learning love and love and LOVE! (The Bridge Across Forever) - Richard David Bach


If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it. - Herodotus


He who does not get fun and enjoyment out of every day needs to reorganize his life. - George Matthew Adams


You know what nostalgia is, don't you? It's basically a matter of recalling the fun without reliving the pain. - Bette Davis


Creative ideas flourish best in a shop which preserves some spirit of fun. Nobody is in business for fun, but that does not mean there cannot be fun in business. - Leo Burnett


To live exhilaratingly in and for the moment is deadly serious work, fun of the most exhausting sort. - Barbara Grizzuti Harrison


Today, charting your own course isn't just more necessary than ever before. It's also much easier - and much more fun.-Pink


I don't know why people keep banging on about the '60s. I came from a conventional family and I didn't go off with different people - I rather wish I had now, seeing all the fun everyone else was having.-Jane Birkin


There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do.-Jerome K. Jerome


You gotta have fun. Regardless of how you look at it, we're playing a game. It's a business, it's our job, but I don't think you can do well unless you're having fun.-Derek Jeter


I loved it, it's such fun. I like that people are seeing it and then talking about it. Like when I took my son and his friends to see Napoleon Dynamite last year, we spent the next six weeks trying to explain it.-Robert Downey, Jr.

In the past it seemed like I was making fun of rap a little bit. But it was more me making fun of myself, since I'm not technically a rapper, whatever that means.-Beck


People see my photos and think I labor over my image and I'm this cool, brooding artist. But I'm just having fun with it.-Lenny Kravitz


I went to professional men's soccer games, the old North American soccer league at that time, and I used to be a ticket holder with my family and family friends. We would go every weekend and I thought it was great, but I just thought of it as recreation, as family fun.-Brandi Chastain


Julie, Mia and I just met for a couple days, doing some work but really under the guise of having fun. We do events like the Women's Sports Foundation Dinner, where we get to not only do a good thing for the community but we get to hang out with one another again.-Brandi Chastain


You'll be dedicated and that's what you should want to be in anything in life - whether it's sports or academics or your relationship. It all stems from finding that fun, that thrill, that excitement.-Brandi Chastain


You give us the pitching some of these clubs have and no one could touch us, but God has a way of not arranging that, because it's not as much fun.-Sparky Anderson


I'm very good with technology, I always have been, and with machines in general. They seem not threatening like other people find them, but a source of fun and amusement.-Brian Eno


Nearly all the things I do that are of any merit at all start off just being good fun, and I think I'm sort of building up to doing something else quite soon.-Brian Eno


I've done all this stuff because it's fun. It's never been about fame.-Elle Macpherson


Shock is still fun. I won't ever shut the door on it.-Nicolas Cage


Fun? There is no fun.-Klaus Kinski


Acting is an art form and you want to take roles that are challenged and it's more of a challenge I think to play dark characters. Not that I want to always play those, but it is a challenge and challenges are rewarding and fun.-James Franco


It was kind of fun being the headliners.-Lou Gramm


That's like making fun of a maniac because his brain isn't completely right, because he isn't in the norm.-Alice Cooper


If you aren't playing well, the game isn't as much fun. When that happens I tell myself just to go out and play as I did when I was a kid.-Thomas J. Watson


We meet a lot of people, we drink lots of stuff and have lots of fun.-Bon Scott


I'd really like to get the girl, shoot the gun, drive the car, have fun. I even have these kind of action dreams, where I'm the action guy.-Kevin Bacon


I would say invisibility would be sort of a fun power to have just to see what it was like to move through the world and not be looked at.-Kevin Bacon


He just kind of talks them through, and then I get the fun part cause I get to make up the stories.-Jerry B. Jenkins


I like to go to parties where I know everyone. How are you going to have fun with people you don't know?-Mary-Kate Olsen


The band's filter, but playing live is a lot of fun.-Elliott Smith


Putting a stamp on things just helps you say, 'Hey, yesterday I was there, and today I'm here.' It's another step forward, and it feels like another turning point and an unleashing of creativity, and now I'm going to start focusing on the show and the production, the fun stuff that comes with it.-Shania Twain


Writing is very much a playground - an artistic playground. It's the most fun thing I do.-Shania Twain


Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.-Mike Myers


And I thought, when I have kids, that's the sort of well told, silly, and fun fairy tale that I would want to take them to. But it was an amazing experience. And I think Shrek is a real classic, a fairy tale classic.-Mike Myers


I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but of course I believe in two people having chemistry right away. A girl should be really easy to talk to. When I lose track of time because we've been talking, I think that's really fun.-Zac Efron


A half marathon is a good way to have a bit of fun and race against those girls and learn a bit more about them.The world half marathon is a world championship at the end of the day and it's important. I've win it twice and it's a quality event.-Paula Radcliffe


The Super Bowl is Americana at its most kitsch and fun.-Sting


I'm not trying to find another thing that's wrong with me, but I'm such a nice person, and I have a couple of drinks and I'm really good fun and then I'm really not fun.-Tracey Emin


It's fun seeing my label on someone's behind - I like that.-Calvin Klein


I get letters from readers who say that they have always hated reading, but somebody suggested one of my books, they actually finished the book and enjoyed it, and they're going on to read another book. I'm thrilled that they have figured out that reading is fun.-Caroline B. Cooney


You should be having more fun in high school, exploring things because you want to explore them and learning because you love learning-not worrying about competition.-Maya Lin


What we're doing is fun - if you have any sense of humor at all!-Calvin Klein


What fun it would be to be poor, as long as one was excessively poor! Anything in excess is most exhilarating.-Jean Anouilh


It's fun to get out in the field. I really enjoy that. It's fun creating.-Tom Kite


You want to have fun but you also want to work well. Sometimes I was quite happy at Ferrari, because we would have fun, but then they could not stop having fun and go back to the real work.-Alain Prost


It's more fun to arrive a conclusion than to justify it.-Malcolm Forbes


I'm one of those writers who tends to be really good at making outlines and sticking to them. I'm very good at doing that, but I don't like it. It sort of takes a lot of the fun out.-Neil Gaiman


I don't believe you should make fun of anyone but yourself.-Cameron Diaz


If people make fun of you, it probably means you're doing something right.-Amy Lee


I do a job I really, really love and I kind of have fun with. People think you can't be grown up unless you're moaning about your job.-Robert Smith


I have a farm and I love it there. There's really nothing to do, but even watching the chickens, its fun.-Salma Hayek


I am just at that stage of wondering where I go from here. I came into this business almost by accident, but now it has become serious. What started as a bit of fun, something to do other than be a model, has taken on a different career curve. I have been forced to ask where that curve is going to end up.-Cameron Diaz


I love the feeling that you get when you can really laugh with a man and be natural and not always think that there's a sexual element going on. For me, flirting with a man means making fun of myself and trying to open myself and be very unpretentious.-Cameron Diaz


Senorita was fun to sing, but I don't really have a favorite. When you write a bunch of songs, they're like your babies. You don't pick favorites.-Justin Timberlake


The important thing is to learn a lesson every time you lose. Life is a learning process and you have to try to learn what's best for you. Let me tell you, life is not fun when you're banging your head against a brick wall all the time.-John McEnroe


Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.-William Feather


The idea of licking stamps seemed great fun for me.-Moon Unit Zappa


I'm having as much fun today as I did when I made $55 a week, because it is as much fun.-Larry King


I remember, especially like when I was in high school, going to see like Dawn of the Dead and it was like mayhem in the theater and you could barely even watch the movie. It was so fun.-Rob Zombie


We thought it would be fun to try to design a show that would work well internationally and so that' s what we're intending to do with Fraggle Rock, and we are indeed now selling it around the world.-Jim Henson


Check bags are fun. I just make sure there won't be anything illegal in my check bag which is forbidden at a cabin of a plane. Just leaving things like scissors and such out of my carry-on things in order to avoid troubles with some certain airline, y'know.-Kerry King


A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.-Bill Vaughan


Sometimes interviews are fun and good conversations, but stuff like photo shoots and appearances at places where you have to meet a lot of people - I was never really made for this kind of stuff.-Fiona Apple


You know, this game's not very much fun when you're only hitting .247.-Reggie Jackson


I think young people should have a lot of fun. But I never seem to have any.-Syd Barrett


Getting used to the studio and everything was fun, we freaked about alot. I was working very hard then.-Syd Barrett


There's always a dinner to go to. There're always loads of people around. I was having fun working with my friends. For a while it all just kind of rolled together in a great way.-Kate Moss


I did get to keep the wedding dresses from 'Runaway Bride'. They're all boxed up in my garage. I've never opened them. It'll be fun one day when Hazel is taller. She can play dress-up with her friends.-Julia Roberts


I'm just starting to scratch the surface of what really makes me happy and it's taken me a while to admit that acting like a little child and being a jerk and a punk is fun.-Leonardo DiCaprio


I want to be a jerk like the rest of my friends, and have fun, and not care about the consequences, but I just can't now.-Leonardo DiCaprio


But between sets I'd sneak over to the black places to hear blues musicians. It got to the point where I was making my living at white clubs and having my fun at the other places.-Stevie Ray Vaughan


Creativity is a great motivator because it makes people interested in what they are doing. Creativity gives hope that there can be a worthwhile idea. Creativity gives the possibility of some sort of achievement to everyone. Creativity makes life more fun and more interesting.-Edward de Bono


Nobody motivates today's workers. If it doesn't come from within, it doesn't come. Fun helps remove the barriers that allow people to motivate themselves.-Herman Cain


The fundamentalists have taken the fun out of the mental.-Ken Kesey


If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.-Andy Rooney


I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints - the sinners are much more fun.-Billy Joel


In a way, we are magicians. We are alchemists, sorcerers and wizards. We are a very strange bunch. But there is great fun in being a wizard.-Billy Joel


Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say No when they mean Yes, and drive a man out of his wits for the fun of it.-Louisa May Alcott


Well, baseball was my whole life. Nothing's ever been as fun as baseball.-Mickey Mantle


I think about death a lot, like I think we all do. I don't think of suicide as an option, but as fun. It's an interesting idea that you can control how you go. It's this thing that's looming, and you can control it.-Ryan Gosling


I mean, it's fun for us to talk about issues. You know, there's no one issue we spend a lot of time on probably, because he gets to do that all day with somebody else who's a lot more expert at issues than I am.-Laura Bush


They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can tell. And you know, they're very confident girls.-Laura Bush


If there's a song where there's a possibility of guitar stuff that would be fun to listen to, go for it. Don't worry about what anybody thinks.-Brad Paisley


The old fun thing is when somebody typed up the first chapter of War and Peace. And then made a precis of the rest of it and sent it out and only one publisher recognized it.-Jim Harrison